when i see a clothing item i like and check the price tag
My relationship is going up and down like a freaking roller coaster r/n because I can’t decide whether to hate my boyfriend’s guts or love him to bits, the self injuring is out of control not to mention me as a person, I’m being bounced around like a ball between different doctors and hospitals with no one offering me any kind of stability while I wait to get accepted into the psych health care program in my region, only one out of four doctors I’ve seen these past few weeks has been properly nice and I wish I could’ve continued seeing her but apparently that’s not an option, everything is shit, I’ve wanted to die almost every single day for a month now, my emotions are living their own life and I have no means to control them, I keep disassociating which is freaky as hell, my anxiety is popping up at the worst of times and I don’t know how to fucking deal with it all. I feel like I’m going insane. I just want someone to call me up from the psych ward and tell me I can come see a therapist now after waiting all this time, because I can’t fucking talk to anyone in my life and I’m about to snap in half. I don’t even feel like I exist sometimes.
This is the third night in a row that I’m mixing benzos with alcohol and I honestly couldn’t care less, especially now that my boyfriend’s away and I don’t have to do it secretly behind a suspiciously closed kitchen door. I’m beyond fed up with this depressive episode and all of the other mental shit I have going on that doesn’t make any sense. Just fuck it. Fuck it all, and fuck it good. Cheers to unhealthy coping.